Why Nobodies Don't Read Fanfiction
by beanpaste-chan
Summary: Organization XIII finds a mysterious, horrible book, and their whole world is turned upside-down. How will Axel deal with his Sue? WILL THE UNIVERSE SURVIVE?
1. DethPrologue

**Here's a new fanfiction. It's my first Kingdom Hearts fanfiction, so I hope I got everybody in character!**

**Lessee... I don't own anything except the plot of A Love To Outlast All Others Forevermore Amen, You B!tches, and Leroxabal, of course. I'll let you figure out her somebody's name on yer own.**

**This fanfiction couldn't have happened if it were not for the noble efforts of crazyroninchic, alssdg (I think I got it right!), and Emerald Tiara (for her Naruto Mary-Sue parody. Love that fanfiction!) for daring to mock one of the most horrific internet trends, and doing it well, too.**

**Enjoyski!**

* * *

Demyx was crumpled in a whimpering heap when Roxas came in with Xaldin. Axel, the Flurry of Dancing Flames, stood over him triumphantly, roaring, "I totally pwned you! I am the champion! C-H-A-M-P-I-O-N! Got it memorized?"

Roxas arched an eyebrow and asked skeptically, "Axel, what in the name of darkness are you doing?"

"He beat me at Inuyasha: Feudal Combat," sniffled Demyx.

"I beat him good!" the red-haired Nobody agreed.

"I beat him _WELL_," corrected Xaldin.

"Anyways," muttered Roxas, "We're back." He held out an incredibly pink book. "We found this, too."

"I thought that it might be dangerous, but the Superior wasn't in his office, so we couldn't report to him," added Xaldin. "Perhaps he's back now. I shall go check."

"Ooh, pretty!" said Demyx, grabbing the pink atrocity from Xaldin. The older Nobody looked at the Melodious Nocturne before turning dismissively and walking out of the room.

"Let's read it!" Demyx said. By then, he had forgotten completely about his beating. (Everybody knows that it's almost impossible to win while you're playing as Shippo and your opponent is playing as Koga. _Everybody_.) He summoned his sitar and smashed the small padlock on the cover open.

"Wait, it might be dangerous!" said Roxas.

"It's pink," said Demyx. "It can't be dangerous."

"Marluxia is rather pink, and he's dangerous," said Axel.

"Very true," said Demyx. "Oh well, we can fight whatever is in there."

"You say that, but you can't defeat a small teenage boy that acts like a four-year-old with ADD."

"Well... shut up!"

Roxas snatched the book out of Demyx's hands and started reading.

"_A Love to Outlast All Others Forevermore Amen, You Bitches_."

"I don't like it already."

"By Mahou Shoujo Sparkly-chan." the youngest Nobody cleared his throat and began to read. "_Leroxabal was wandering the chorriders of darnkess-_"

"Do you think the author means darkness?" asked Axel. "If she does, she misspelled it."

Roxas sighed and continued. "_Her long, straihtishly wayvy, golden hair (a/n: it has silver streaks in it) fell down to her waist and her eyes were vilet and her skin was pale, but not pale enough to be icky Her body was perfect. She had a perfect body too. She had curves in all the right places and she was really really skinny but not too skinny and-_"

"How is that physically possible?" asked a sarcastic voice from the doorway.

"Larxene!" yelled Demyx and Axel in horror.

"What exactly are you idiots reading?"

"It's a rather stupid story. The author misspells everything and her main character is impossibly contradicting," said Roxas.

"Why are you reading it, then?" asked the female Nobody.

"You know, I really don't know..."

"Well, keep reading then! I want to see what happens to this impossibly perfect 'Leroxabal'." With that, Larxene plopped herself on a sofa and immediately stretched out, pushing Demyx and Axel off onto the floor.

"_Snap, I forget to describe her clothing! She wore a long black dress that compltmtd her hair and wasn't durty even tho she'd been walkin for days and stuff. Anyhoo,. she was really tired though she had stamina and stuffz cause she was a nObody. _

_Funally, she collapsed on teh road and slept for a long long time._

_A fw days alrt. Leroxabal woke up. Yayz!!11 _

_Someone was starng into her face._

_"Aaaah!" she sed._

_"Who are you" asked the person. Leroxabal thought he was really hawt just by looking at him through without seeing his face._

_"My naym is Leroxabal and I come from earth because I was sent her to save the world but I got attacked by nobodys but didn't dieing."_

_The person reomved his hood, reveling spky red hiar and turqiose ayes and-_"

"NOOOO!" yelled Axel. He jumped up and leaped toward Roxas. He snatched the book out of the youngest Nobody's hands and dodge-rolled his way to the corner, where he glared miserably at the whole group, his lower lip quivering slightly.

"I know what this is!" Axel screeched, working himself up into a panic. "THIS IS A SUEFIC! I KNOW WHAT IT IS!"

"It's a Suefic, eh?" asked Larxene, an evil smile blossoming on her lips.

Several minutes later, the Flurry of Dancing Flames was tied to a chair with a gag in his mouth. He was shaking uncontrollably, and looked close to tears.

"What's a Suefic?" asked Roxas uncomfortably.

"It's a story where an impossibly perfect character, probably a self-insertion of the author, falls in love with the most attractive male in the canon and has lots of plagiarized sex and eventually defeats the bad guy."

Demyx's mouth dropped open. "You're kidding me! This 'Leroxabal' is going to end up with Axel? Doesn't she know how violent and arrogant he is?"

"The author will eventually dampen him down to a wussy man-whore by the end," said Larxene nonchalantly.

"Mmmmmph! MMMMMMMPH!" groaned Axel.

"He's obviously seen such things before. Go on, Roxas, keep reading."

"_My name is Axel," said the smexhay guy. "I am number VIII in th e organization and the Flurry of the Dancing Flamz." Axel gasped. Thes Leroxabal was the most beautiful theng he had eva seen!_

"MMMMMMMPH! MMMMMMMPH!"

"Shut the hell up, Axel!" screamed Larxene, who was now filing her nails. "Continue, Randy."

"Roxas," the youngest Nobody corrected.

"Yeah. Roxas. Whatever."

"_Tee hee hee," say Leroxabal. "I no"_

"Sweet mother of darkness, that is incredibly vain," said Demyx.

_"Will yu tak me too Teh Wurld That Neva Waz, cuz I gotta get there and suff."_

_"Okeydokey," Aku-chyan said peppily._

The real Axel was shaking his head frantically. Roxas looked at him worriedly and said, "Okay, Axel, I'll remove your gag. But _you'll _have to read next."

With that, Axel's eyes widened enough to rival those of a bush baby.

* * *

Meanwhile, back in the 'chorriders of darnkess'...

A trio of hooded beings were sneaking through, all making exaggerated tiptoeing movements. Suddenly, the one in the middle tripped over his overlong hem and broke a tooth.

The tallest being looked at his comrade with annoyance and raised his keyblade.

"Curaga!" he whispered. Then, as an afterthought, he whispered, "Sandwichaga!" as well. With this, green light, clovers, and hearts swirled around the middle hooded being, and a sandwich dropped from the sky into the tallest being's outstretched hand.

"Thanks," said the being who had tripped.

"Don't TRIP!" yelled the tallest being in annoyance. "WE MIGHT AS WELL BE HAVING A FRICKIN' _GREEN DAY CONCERT_! God."

"Shh, shh, you're being louder than he is," whispered the third and smallest of the hooded beings, who was presumably female.

The tallest being only stared grumpily out at the dark hole looming before them and bit into his sandwich.

Pannini.

He hated pannini.

* * *

**I listened to the Caramelldansen dance song the whole time while I was writing this. (I had it on repeat.)**

**Maybe that explains why it's kind of crack-tastic. I dunno.**

**Anyways, please review! And leave a review for 'Mahou Shoujo Sparkly-chan', if you want to comment on her sucky writing. Really, it was horrible. I shall be mentally scarred forever and ever. **


	2. Tangerines, Milkshakes, and a Revelation

**Another chapter! Woot!**

**Anyways, I worked long and hard on this 'un, so I hope you enjoy it a lot!**

**Mmm... tangerines...**

* * *

Anyway, back to the story.

Axel was shaking slightly, but he gripped the abomination that was _A Love to Outlast All Others Forevermore Amen, You Bitches_. He bit his lip, pinched the corner of his mouth, and began to read in a quaky voice.

"_Leroxabal and Axel walked the chorriders of darnkess until they reached teh wUrld that Neva wuz. Axel led Leroxabal through the city until they reached the castell. (a/n: Whats i tcalled?) _

_"Well, here we ar!" say Axel._

_"Kthxbai." said Leroxabal. Shes gave him a kiss on the chekk and walked thru teh durs._"

"Poor Axel," Demyx whispered to Roxas.

The flame-haired Nobody sat in a large armchair, staring at the page. His eye was twitching.

Suddenly, several voices were heard in the hallway.

"There's a hole in the world like a great black pit that is filled with people who are filled with... tangerines," came Xemnas' familiar baritone. He was singing.

"Tangerines, sir?" That was Saïx.

"Yes. Tangerines. So sweet and juicy. You know, Number XIV used to liken my eyes to tangerines. You know, because of the color..."

"Your other took anatomy classes. And you know the lyrics to that musical by heart. (Well, in a manner of speaking.) Are you sure people are filled with tangerines?"

"Absolutely, Number VII, I could not be any more certain." The Superior sounded anxious, Roxas noted.

"The lyrics go, sir, 'There's a hole in the world like a great black pit that is filled with people who are filled with shi-"

"I very much dislike that word, VII! It's derogatory!"

"It's a word for excrement! Feces! Of course it's derogatory!"

"But..."

"Say it with me, sir. Shh-ih-tuh."

"No."

"SAY IT!"

"NO!"

"SAY THE GODDAMNED WORD, SIR!"

Xemnas burst into the room, breathing heavily. Everybody stared.

"Good non-existence, Numbers XIII, VIII, IX, XII. How comes your work?"

"Er..."

"What is this? A book? It is rather pink, yes?"

Larxene, who was not at all afraid of her Superior, spoke up. "We were reading it, sir. It's quite horrible indeed."

Xemnas cocked his head to the side. "Then why are you reading it?"

"We have no clue."

Xemnas summoned an armchair. "Then let's hear it, then."

Axel looked miserable, but resumed his reading.

"_Waiting inside the door was a dude. _

_"Hai, who r u, beautyfull 1?"_

_"Mai naym is Leroxabal," said Leroxabal, smeling kewtlky._

_"Mai nam iz Roksas, and this is DemplgrtpfqX," said the small, kewt kid with spikey hair._"

"DemplgrtpfqX?" asked Xemnas. "And who is this Leroxabal, anyway?"

Larxene sighed. She was even impatient with her Superior. "Leroxabal is the overly-perfect, stupid main character created by the author of this story, Mahou Shoujo Sparkly-chan. And by 'DemplgrtpfqX', they must mean Demyx."

"WHAT?" sobbed Demyx. "That is NOT how you spell my name! It's spelled D-E-M-Y-X!"

"Well, that's how they spelled it," said Larxene dismissively. "Go on readin', Asshole. I mean, Axel," she added sweetly.

"_DemplgrtfqX was a whiny and anying piece of white trash hoo cryd ezily and had a mullet._

_"Buht Roksas, we has ter do our job or l's teh Surprior will killz us!" Whiny DemplgrtfqX whined._

_Lolz, thought Leroxabal. DemplgrtfqX is so whiny._

_"We shall take u to teh Surprior nowz!" sayd Roksas twtly. _

"TWTLY?" asked Roxas. "I DO NOT SAY THINGS 'TWTLY', WHATEVER THE HELL THAT IS!"

"Shh," sniffled Demyx.

"_Jusst then, Axel cAme i._

_"Hey, Leroxabal, come see teh Surprior with me!" he grned hawtly and grabbed her hand. Leroxabal blushed prettily._

_(a/n: I LURV TEH AXEL!!)_

_They walkd up to teh Surprior's oppif, hand i nhand._

_(a/n: SHO KEWT!!)_

_They entr3d the office._

_"Hai, I m Leroxabal," said Leroxabal to Xemnash."_

Xemnas' brow furrowed. "Xemnash? No, that can't be right." He grabbed the book from Axel, who quickly wiped his hands on his robe.

"She misspelled my name..." he muttered in a malicious voice.

"_Wy r u her? I dint invyt u."_

_"Im here bcoz I wants ter becum a memter of teh organization."_

_"Y shud I let u in?"_

_"Bcoz shes beautiful and smut and pwrful!" yelled Axel pashunitlee._

"Oh, I expect she shall be 'smut', alright," said Larxene darkly.

"_Oh, Axel!" cried Leroxabal. _

_"Get on with it," muttered Xemnas. (a/n: prude. doesn't like expreshuns of lurve.)_

_"I m onlyy haf-Nodobyy. My mother was teh woman Roseannaelle Jessicabonitaelleko Hikaruzawa."_

_With thes words, Xemnas gasped._

_"You lurved hur! You are my father!"_

_"You are my daughter... Rosabella Susannahbellissimoetteko Hikaruzawa?"_

"Woo, what a name," said Axel faintly with a whistle. "I'd hate to know what her _grandmother_ was named."

"_I am no lunger Rosabella Susannahbellissimoetteko Hikaruzawa. I gut attacked bai hartluss but I didn't dying sho I just became nobody. Mai naym ish now Leroxabal Susannahbellissimoetteko Hikaruzawa."_

_"Daugher!" cried Xemnas, embracing his long-lust daughter tenderly._

_(a/n: she gets her silver hiar from her daddy. Tehe. And her orang eyez.)"_

"I thought she had violet eyes?" said Demyx.

"That happens. The author gets inconsistent. Go on," muttered Larxene.

"_Father, may I be in the Organization?" asked Leroxabal sweetly._

_"Of course u may,. dearest dauther!" replyed Xemmy gently. "Axel, show mai dauter hur new room!"_

_"Okeydokey," said Axel, wowed bai Leroxabal's beeutiez. He wuz lieking this sichuashun a lot!!11_

"I do not like my situation at all," said Axel darkly.

"Shut up and read!"

"_Okay, sho they went all teh wayz up to teh infurnell roomz o' darnkess, nad her room was rly pwnsome, it had Fergie posterz and a big bed w/ silk sheetz and stuff._

_So... yeah. _

_"Hey, Leroxabal, I just realizeds ometing. I. I... I... love u."_

_"ZOMG! I LOVE YOU TOO!" squelec Leroxabal sexily._

_They ebmraced gentley, holding each oteher. Then they're tongez anglted and thy collapsd with a moan."_

"...Please let it be a one-night-stand, please let it be a one-night-stand..." whispered Axel. He had his fingers crossed, and his eyes shut.

"Not likely!" said Larxene in a singsong voice.

Roxas got up and peeked over Axel's shoulder. "I think that's the end of the chapter."

"Thank goodness," whispered Demyx.

"NOBODIES CANNOT REPRODUCE!" cried Xemnas in a rage.

"What, have you tried?"

"...Yes. BUT I WOULD NEVER DO IT WITH THAT LONG-NAMED HUMAN!"

"Ew, Superior, you've actually slept with somebody?"

"I was very drunk..."

"I thought Nobodies can't get drunk."

"Well, hasn't Xigbar proved that false?"

"True."

* * *

The three hooded beings were now in The World That Never Was. They had stopped for a bite to eat at a local Mickey D's, because the middle hooded one had gotten hungry.

"Fanksh a lut," said the middle hooded one to the tallest hooded one through a mouthful of hamburger.

"How the hell can you manage to eat so messily yet not get any food on your robe?"

"Ah 'unno."

"Whatever. Let's move." The tallest beckoned to his two comrades and they left the filthy food proprietor building.

"Hey, dude, I wanna shake now," said the middle hooded one.

"DAMN YOU!"

And the World That Never Was continued to be safe... for as long as it took him to drink a milkshake.

* * *

**I promise, I will write more.**

**Lots more.**

**Lots and lots and lots more.**

**And now for something completely different, mah replies to your nice comments!**

**StageConspire: Thank you for reviewing first. I am forever grateful! Also, continue to write great stories!**

**TheKabbageKat: Thankies! I try very hard to keep it amusing. I also agree with the Almighty Tallest Hooded One; I don't like pannini one bit.**

**iheartatem: I shall, thank you! Mmm... Pringles...**


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